Torn

I remember being about 12 years old and one of my relatives telling a racist joke at a family gathering. At 12 years old, this made me uncomfortable and I said something along the lines of ‘you shouldn’t say things like that,’ to which I was told… “You’ll understand when you’re older.” Well here I am at 34… and I still don’t understand…

I don’t like hate. I don’t like prejudice or ignorance. As gay person I am forced to deal with these types of things on a regular basis, sadly even from within my own ‘family.’ Maybe facebook and social media are to blame. We have people in our lives with whom we have arm length relationships. Maybe we see them at family get togethers or the occasional obligatory social gathering. We chat about things from movies we’ve recently seen, to milestones the kids have recently experienced. With facebook though, those relationships are strained and stretched with the ability to see people’s likes, dislikes and opinions, regardless of their sensitivity … or lack their-of to you.

As a gay person when I see a relative or someone I care about ‘liking’ some ultra conservative page or picture, it tears at me. When they are pledging their support for the political candidate whose political platform is anti gay is tears at me. And when people who are supposed to be ‘family’ post things that are directed towards families like mine, it tears at me.

Recently a relative put up a post in support of Paula Dean. Now in my flaming liberal mind, this is already bad enough…but it went further. In the post this person dismissed any wrongdoing in her ever using the ‘n word’ and said something along the lines of ‘Who doesn’t use that word? I use it all the time when one of them pisses me off’… I’m paraphrasing but this was the gist of the post.

Now for those of you who don’t realize this, both of our children are mixed. They are though for intents and purposes African American based upon how this country distinguishes race. The person who made this post knows my children, knows their heritages and ‘loves’ them.

Bullshit.

This was about a month ago or so. My initial response was to unfriend them and just not talk to them anymore. If you follow me on facebook you might remember me dramatically saying something along the lines of “Disrespecting me is one thing but disrespect my children … and you’re dead to me.” Everyone asked what that was all about and I didn’t feel like talking about it at the time… well, this was it.

Did they really think that I wasn’t going to have a reaction to this?? Did they really think it’s acceptable to claim to love my children and put something like that into the world? They did not think… seems to be the most obvious answer.

An Uncle of mine who I know to be homophobic told me when I was 16/17 (when I came out) that he didn’t have a problem with me being gay, because I was family. As if to say if I wasn’t his family that I’d just be another faggot in the world to disgust him…

You cannot hate people of any particular group and then essentially tell a member of that group… ‘Don’t worry… you’re the exception.’  

This is not an acceptable way of being…. Nor is it acceptable to tolerate. So I won't.

So here I sit… Thinking about my family, and knowing that at least my immediate family, those who I care about most are with us and truly love us unconditionally. When I think though, of having to cut ties with Aunts, Uncles, Cousins… who just don’t get it… it tears at me.

My wise (and pretty awesome) brother recently sad to me ‘You can’t pick your family’… which is essentially true… but when backed into a corner, maybe it’s time to reexamine that theory. What is family, afterall?

 

Sticks and Stones

The interesting thing about Facebook (and social networking sites in general) is that absolutely anyone can partake. There is not litmus test for courtesy, decency or even common sense. So, it shouldn’t surprise me when people act like trash and speak to perfect strangers with hate and disdain. You might want to sit down for this… but… I am gay. I am active on dozens of pages that are related to gay rights, gay families and the like. It never ceases to amaze me when people who disagree with who we are come to those pages looking for a fight. Usually it doesn’t faze me. Usually I just ignore it. But sometimes I remember how easy it is to track someone down in real life and suddenly I am 17 again, afraid to open my high school locker because I didn’t feel like reading my daily death threat. Mind you, this occasional fear isn’t going to stop me from existing, or from being the big mouth queer that these douchebags think I am… But I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge the occasional lump in my throat when in the midst of a battle with some Alpha dog, faux Christian scumbag. But I am getting off topic. What really fascinates me is how much hate some of these cretins spew while also having so much of their own personal information immediately accessible to the world. Often times when I am in one of these battles of the minds (or mindless as the case may be) I will take a look at some of these peoples personal pages… which are often totally viewable to the public. There sits their full contact information, employment information and a handy dandy list of all of their family members. Do people not realize that the things you post on social networking sites can affect you in real life? For instance if you choose to post your employer, you can definitely be held accountable for your actions online by said employer, should they be notified that you are involved in harassing or abusive behavior, particularly behavior that is targeting a protected group. Of course the greater question is… Why can’t people just leave others’ alone? I see people on my very friends list who do or say things that I am repulsed by and I don’t sit there and attack. Of course the occasional passive aggressive post is kind of expected of me at this point. When I have someone in front of me and I am angry. I usually (before going into attack mode) will pause for a couple seconds to ask myself… Is this really something I want to say (because let’s face it, we all say things in the heat of the moment, myself especially). Maybe there should be a button on Facebook that scores the bitchiness of your comment and requires a 30 second ‘catch your breath’ period before you can hit “submit.” I am kidding of course, although maybe it’s really not such a bad idea after all. The bottom line I suppose is that there will always be ‘internet tough guys’ out there. Maybe it’s moreso about how to deal with them. Maybe when you call me a queer and tell me that I am going to burn in hell I should just ignore you… Sadly for you though, I’m the kind of queer that will talk to your Grandma and have a conversation with your boss. My bad…

A day in the life

Sometime I really just want to eat my omelette... As my husband Ron and I walk I to our local hole in the wall diner we're greeted by the colorful waitresses that have come to know us by name... "Mike and Ron are here with the babies" one of them shouts. A flock of former big haired teenage jersey girls turned middle aged waitresses burst into action making sure that one of our regular two tables are clean and that they grab us the best 2 high hairs that the place has. Our children Eleanor (Ellie 18 months) and Jeremy (12 months) have been relatively calm this morning which anyone who has 2 toddlers in their home can tell you is a rare occurrence. We place out orders; a small order of pancakes for the kids to share, corn beef hash from Ron, and for me, while I'd like to tell you it was egg whites and wheat toast, it's usually more often a bacon omelette with the best deep fried homefries known to man. (Don't judge me!) While sipping our respective hot tea and coffee the waitress take turns hovering around us; usually starting one by one and then taking turns in different couplings to discuss how cute the kids are, what a beautiful family we are and how wonderful adoption is. And of course those things are all very true. The previously calm kids are now worked up and restless just in time for the waitresses to disperse as our food comes. Jeremy is normally the calm one. He typically has the demeanor of a 70 year old Englishman. Ellie is our spitfire. If she wants your attention, you and everyone in a 4 block radius will know. She loves to be the center of attention and when that attention ends, it's not pretty. We're approaching one of those times in 3... 2... 1... For better or for worse once the waitresses have disbanded and pancakes have been cut and distributed and it appears as though we might get to enjoy a bite or two of our meal, the next shift of our fan club starts: the local moms. Most of the regular families that eat at the diner know each other, if not by name, at least by sight. One or two will wave to the kids and make bizarre although well meaning clicking noises. Some will just come on over and pay a visit. We'll hear about how they can't believe how bigs the kids are and about their 3rd... Or was it 4th cousin that lives in Texas who adopted from some third world country and then we'll be asked "where did y'all get them from?" (as if they are a pair of shoes). Given that I have a big mouth and will typically take any opportunity to educate people on proper adoption language I will usually give the condensed version of our families story, being sure to emphasize terms like 'birth mother' and 'placement'. By this time the kids are done their meal and are once again restless. I can't say I blame them, sitting in an old, uncushioned diner high hair with carb overload isn't exactly my idea of fun either. So we flag down the waitress, get our check and I pay while Ron repacks the diaper bag and puts everyone's coats on. We're offered boxes for our food and scolded for 'barely even touching our breakfast', But let's face it... Diner food is never good warmed up. We pile up into my once butch Ford Expedition whose back seat is now the home to about 15 or so Care Bears and as I put the truck into drive I turn to Ron and ask "what's for lunch?" I love that we are so accepted in our community. I know that a lot of you would kill for that acceptance. I also know that we have infact been graced with 2 beautiful children whom we love to show off and brag about. But sometimes... Not always, but maybe even just now and again, I'd really like to eat that omelette.

Nonsensical ramblings of a tired Papa...

I can't believe how long it's been since I have blogged anything. I really want to get back into it. Let's start with something silly...




Pet Peeves and Things that just plain drive me nuts... Some things silly, some not so much...



The silly...



People who call me Boss, Chief or Big Guy. I am not your boss... or any kind of Chief and if I wanted a reminder that I am fat I would simply try walking into an Abercrombie and Fitch



Passengers in cars who put their feet, particularly their bare feet on the dash. Aside from this being extremely dangerous, it's just gross. No one wants to have to stare at your dirty hooves when pulled up next to you at a red light.



People who constantly feel the need to proclaim that they love their pets as much as any parent loves their child. That's pretty silly. Have a kid and you will know what a shmuck you sound like.



People who still write checks at retail stores. It's 2012 people... I appreciate your need to write a post dated, out of state check without ID for your $6.00 purchase... but perhaps... just don't.



Spoiled Subrban kids who think they are 'gangsta' or 'rednecks'... If you are from Wonder bread lovin' suburbia... I assure you, you are neither of these things. Just calm down, get in your vw jetta and get to a starbucks where you belong.



People who leave outdoor Christmas decorations up all year long. Santa will poop in your chimney if you don't correct this behavior immediately. I might join him...





The not so silly...



People who don't vote. Do you realize that people have fought and died for the right that you just brush off as an inconvenience? Particularly minorities and women... VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!



Straight people who say they support their GLBT friends and family but still vote for a party that keeps us 2nd class citizens. Don't tell me what a beautiful family I have and then vote for a political party that wants to strip me of ever having the chance at federally recognized marriage equality... and wants to take away adoption and fertility treatment abilities.



People who hold grudges. Every single one of us is a work in progress. We all mess up, all of us. We all can look back on a situation and wish we handled something in our lives differently, so, why hold on to anger. Forgive... maybe don't forget.. but move on. Life is short.



People who argue just for agruments sake. We all know them. You say the sky is blue... They have to correct you and tell you it's more of a steely gray. I hate these people. We all have a voice and something to say, but unless there is an actual point to you starting a debate, maybe just aim that angst elsewhere.



People who are clueless when it comes to adoption and adoption language. If you have a question, just ask.. it's better to ask than say ignorant things. For example. The people who "produced" our children are their 'birth parents' or 'biological parents'. Asking us anything about their "REAL parents" will get you nothing but a confused stare because WE are their REAL parents. Our kids' parents include a daddy and papa. They do not have mothers... they have birthmothers. Lastly when referring to them.. there isn't really a need to refer to them as 'those kids you adopted'... they are merely OUR KIDS...



Ok, that's enough ranting for one evening. I promise it wont be so long until I write again.

Dreams do come true

I seem to blog less and less anymore so when I say ‘I haven’t blogged in forever’… the 4 people that read this are probably tired of me starting like that, but oh well…

I haven’t blogged in forever and that’s in part because in August we were blessed with our daughter Eleanor. Ellie is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me or to us as a family. I dreamed of becoming a father for so long and now that it’s happened I am enjoying every minute of it. I think I’ve fallen even more in love with Ron, by seeing him interact with our daughter. He is such a loving and nurturing person and seeing him with our girl just melts me…

And as most people already know, after it taking years to adopt and us intending to try again in a couple years, now that we have a daughter we were contacted by an old friend who is pregnant, and wants us to adopt the baby… And we are. So, we have a 4 month old right now and our son is due Jan 4th. To say that we are overjoyed would be the understatement of the year.

Imagine going from waking up each day feeling like you’ll never be a parent, when it’s something you’ve wanted your whole life, to not even 6 months later, having the complete family that you’ve always dreamed of. It’s simply amazing. I could not be more grateful.

I love my family!

Do you take this puppet?

So I got in the strangest debate I think I've ever had today.

If you haven't already seen it on the internet, there is a small but relentless petition going around that is trying to convince Sesame Street to have Bert and Ernie get married. Now if you're like me, the initial thought of this being an issue is silly. They're puppets... well, muppets to be exact and why would we need to label them as being gay and then go as far as to having them get hitched. I thought, 'dont we in the gay community have more important things to worry about?'

Then today a childhood classmate of mine posted the story to her facebook and mentioned how she thought how this was going way too far and how topics like these didn't belong on a program that is aimed at children. Her friends would continue to comment with more of the same only each comment seemed to get more aggressive and more hostile, especially after I tried to give show the other perspective.

The more comments I read, the more it occirred to me that yes... I did think that Bert and Ernie should get married!

Think of this. Sesame street does not merely teach kids the ABC's and 123's as of of these debaters pointed out. Through the years, this program has been responsible for helping to enlighten kids on issues from littering, bullying, babies being born and even death. So why not gay marriage.

The main point of those with whom I was debating was that homosexuality as a whole was a topic that not only should children not be exposed to, but that it should be a parents choice when to expose their children to the notion of a same sex couple. As if WE have a choice when to see or not see heterosexual couples? Ron and I often hold hands in public and more than a couple times we've had bitchy mothers huff and puff while covering their child's eyes walking past us. This is no different.

Making such a fuss about the idea of Bert and Ernie getting married is sending the message that there is something wrong with gay people and / or gay marriage. If that is your position, than so be it, but you cannot then say that you are a supporter of gay rights or a single gay person for that matter. When a 7 year old boy is intentionally sheltered from gay people, he grows up to have a negative perception of "gay". So whether he grows up to be straight and just becomes a huge homophobe (in all likelyhood) or he grows up to be gay himself and has a horrible self image and tougher time accepting himself, it will be in part because of the messages that his parents sent to him in childhood by 'sheltering' him from the very notion of homosexuality.

In addition, imagine a world where from a young age, childen see being gay as no big deal... They grow up learning that it is just another way to love and that some people happen to be gay and some don't. If we take that stigma away right in the beginning of childhood, imagine the kindof accepting children / young people we would be raising. When my sister was born, I was 17 years old and had come out. My sister grew up, never knowing me to be anything other than gay, SO, it was never an issue. It was just another part of who I was, like my hair color or height. THIS is how it should be.

And maybe you're one of those parents who think that it's your right when to talk to your children about such things. And you know what? Maybe you're right. BUT unfortunately, parents are not having those talks as a whole, so if educational programs want to step in where parents are failing, I say bravo!

I wish we as a people were at a place when we hear the word gay that we didn't so much hear gay mean '2 people of the same gender having sex', but rather 2 people who happen to be of the same sex being in love. Because that's what we're talking about here. LOVE. And if you haven't noticed, this world of ours could use a little more love in it.

Head in the clouds, feet on the ground.

What did you want to be when you grew up? Did you become it? There was never one thing that I aspired to. Never that one thing that I enjoyed doing more than anything else. I sit here, at 32, still wondering what I will be when I grow up.

As a whole, I actually don't dislike doing collections. Now some of the drama that comes with the industry, that's a different story, but Collections as a whole has been good to me. It is not though, something I want to grow old doing.

I always loved the idea of owning my own business. But what kind? Several come to mind, but all a little too grandiose for my 'don't take big chances' personality. There is an OLD bank in the center of Merchantville that has been empty for years. It's a beautiful old building that has so much potential. I say to Ron all the time that if we ever hit it big that we would buy it and turn it into a dinner theatre. The building sold a few years ago and was bought by the town for 1 mil. Just a little out of our price range.

Last night we watched a documentary on the life and work of Jim Henson. (another of my random Amazon finds). This man has a love of art that parlayed into puppeteering, which turned into a multi million dollar business for him. How does that happen? Is it luck? Persistence? Why is it that some people manage to achieve their professional dreams and others will spend their lives in a cubicle?

Another part of me would like to go into politics. Nothing major but maybe a city councilperson and see where that goes... I would love to be able to look at my community and have the power to implement change where I think it's needed. Who wouldn't vote for a chubby, gay, middle class, activist minded, overly opinionated guy like me in office? I wonder if all of that would fit on my campaign sign?

Anywho... Chances are I very well might be one of the majority who spend life making my cubicle as tolerable as possible. And maybe that's ok. I have such a good life. I have an amazing Partner, wonderful friends and family, and hopefully one of these days children.

Maybe someday I will be in my office on the top floor of some huge building making important decisions while looking down on the world around me that I help run. Maybe not. But whether that happens for me or it doesn't, I am going to spend every day appreciateing the view from right here and remembering how lucky I am.