Torn

I remember being about 12 years old and one of my relatives telling a racist joke at a family gathering. At 12 years old, this made me uncomfortable and I said something along the lines of ‘you shouldn’t say things like that,’ to which I was told… “You’ll understand when you’re older.” Well here I am at 34… and I still don’t understand…

I don’t like hate. I don’t like prejudice or ignorance. As gay person I am forced to deal with these types of things on a regular basis, sadly even from within my own ‘family.’ Maybe facebook and social media are to blame. We have people in our lives with whom we have arm length relationships. Maybe we see them at family get togethers or the occasional obligatory social gathering. We chat about things from movies we’ve recently seen, to milestones the kids have recently experienced. With facebook though, those relationships are strained and stretched with the ability to see people’s likes, dislikes and opinions, regardless of their sensitivity … or lack their-of to you.

As a gay person when I see a relative or someone I care about ‘liking’ some ultra conservative page or picture, it tears at me. When they are pledging their support for the political candidate whose political platform is anti gay is tears at me. And when people who are supposed to be ‘family’ post things that are directed towards families like mine, it tears at me.

Recently a relative put up a post in support of Paula Dean. Now in my flaming liberal mind, this is already bad enough…but it went further. In the post this person dismissed any wrongdoing in her ever using the ‘n word’ and said something along the lines of ‘Who doesn’t use that word? I use it all the time when one of them pisses me off’… I’m paraphrasing but this was the gist of the post.

Now for those of you who don’t realize this, both of our children are mixed. They are though for intents and purposes African American based upon how this country distinguishes race. The person who made this post knows my children, knows their heritages and ‘loves’ them.

Bullshit.

This was about a month ago or so. My initial response was to unfriend them and just not talk to them anymore. If you follow me on facebook you might remember me dramatically saying something along the lines of “Disrespecting me is one thing but disrespect my children … and you’re dead to me.” Everyone asked what that was all about and I didn’t feel like talking about it at the time… well, this was it.

Did they really think that I wasn’t going to have a reaction to this?? Did they really think it’s acceptable to claim to love my children and put something like that into the world? They did not think… seems to be the most obvious answer.

An Uncle of mine who I know to be homophobic told me when I was 16/17 (when I came out) that he didn’t have a problem with me being gay, because I was family. As if to say if I wasn’t his family that I’d just be another faggot in the world to disgust him…

You cannot hate people of any particular group and then essentially tell a member of that group… ‘Don’t worry… you’re the exception.’  

This is not an acceptable way of being…. Nor is it acceptable to tolerate. So I won't.

So here I sit… Thinking about my family, and knowing that at least my immediate family, those who I care about most are with us and truly love us unconditionally. When I think though, of having to cut ties with Aunts, Uncles, Cousins… who just don’t get it… it tears at me.

My wise (and pretty awesome) brother recently sad to me ‘You can’t pick your family’… which is essentially true… but when backed into a corner, maybe it’s time to reexamine that theory. What is family, afterall?